A Dream of Power and Control Comes to Boost Donna's Confidence

Why Can't Donna Have The Relationship She Craves?
Recently Donna has felt hopeless about her love life. She was resigned to being single and without children even though it was one of her cherished dreams. She wanted to believe that it could come true but was scared to pin her hopes on it. She kept her dreams safe in her fantasy world where reality couldn't spoil her image. She had relationships with men that were either friendships or sexual liaisons, but never both. She had never experienced the closeness and intimacy of a relationship that had it all.

Reckless Behavior Stuns Donna
At about this time Donna had been taken in by a gypsy in an upscale part of town and gave her $1000 to hear something hopeful about her future. A day or so later it dawned on her - the magnitude of what she had done! She was astounded that a wish to believe in her fantasy just for a moment could make her so reckless and give up her common sense and self-protection. She had given money to friends to help them out, but never just thrown such a large sum on a whim!


A Disturbing Dream Haunts Donna
A couple of months later Donna's next dream startled her. She hated theme parks but there she was in her dream at a fair ground theme park with a friend. She saw a gypsy who promised to tell her important things about her love life.

Donna's friend stayed and took notes, making her feel more comfortable. Donna put her hand on the table and asked the gypsy the cost of the experience. The gypsy said $200, but Donna wouldn't have it. She banged her hand on the table and demanded that the price be no higher than $100. The gypsy backed down as Donna's adamant voice ruled the moment. Two large buzzing things like insects were around her ears making loud noises drowning everything out. Then Donna blacked out. When Donna woke up she saw injection marks all over her arms and wondered what they were.

Donna likes things clean and orderly, so why a seedy dream?
In her waking life Donna never goes to theme parks and fairs. To her they are dirty, seedy and unhygienic places where the low life hang out. The location of the dream represents Donna's emotions that she hates to deal with. To her they are messy and best pushed out of sight. They just cause trouble!! But in her dream she finds out that she can take charge by forcing the gypsy to work on Donna's terms. This suggests that Donna is beginning to realize that she does have a say in how her emotions affect her. They don't have to wipe her out.

The friend in the dream who takes notes is probably the part of Donna who needs to monitor her rash, reckless and impulsive self that just gives herself away, gets robbed and is left with nothing but 'holes' - just like the injection marks on her arms at the end of her dream.

Donna gets a glimpse of her dark, messy side
The gypsy in her dream may be the part of Donna that just aches to make her wishes come true by magic. It is the part of Donna that doesn't want to have to do the work of getting to know someone in all ways and creating a relationship. She had split intimacy, friendship and sex in order to feel safe but ended up unsatisfied and dejected. The gypsy gives her injections as if they were the magic cure, but all she finds are holes.

The dream tells Donna to love her messy side
The message in Donna's dream is that she can survive the pain of the 'injections' which are probably her intense emotions. She doesn't have to black out. She does have a good caretaker part of her that she can rely on, like her friend in the dream. She is being guided to see that the buzzing noise that she hears when emotions get to her is survivable, and makes her strong. She can listen to all parts of herself without being hung out to dry. She can trust her instincts and allow herself a relationship that has it all. She doesn't have to safeguard her dream in a fantasy any more.

If Donna listen's to her dream her future looks brighter and more hopeful
The dream is saying that life and relationships have both the seedy and magical qualities. Donna's acceptance of this unifying reality will allow her to be ready to invite and respond to men who can give her the stability and security she yearns for. If she can accept all her qualities, good and bad, she will be able to share them with a man who will do the same. That's when the intimacy, sex and friendship will mesh together and give Donna peace. But she has to be willing to do the work!

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
From fear and frustration to fulfiling and flourishing relationships.


Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship security profile

What would you give to keep only the best bits of your past?

As life continues to pose problems for Donna, her dreams continue to guide her to act in her best interests and to make peace with her past.

Thoughts of holidays and family made Donna's heart sink
As 2009 came to an end, Donna was struggling with the lack of motivation she felt at the thought of the same old Christmas and New Year rituals with family members. She didn't want to go through these meaningless experiences just to feel part of a family.

Donna wanted to shake things up and have more choice in how the holiday time was spent. She also wanted to get away from pretending to feel grateful for whatever her parents had planned. Her desire to make some choices of her own and do things her way made her antsy. How was she going to organize it without upsetting the apple cart?

Donna is caught between keeping the old and wanting something new
There was also the complicating factor of an upcoming loss of her family home. Her parents were selling it and moving to a smaller place with no room for visitors. Donna was caught between wanting to enjoy the family home before it was gone forever, and her wish to celebrate the holidays in a wildly different manner.

A dream gives Donna her wish - something old and something new
Then came the dream that helped her with her conflict. Donna dreamed that she was walking into her family home and into her old bedroom. There was a huge box in there. When she opened it she found some old clothes, jewelry, candy, books, scarves and pizza pieces. She began to sift through the items and pick out what she wanted to keep. She found pieces of pizza and candy that looked edible. She discovered some retro jewelry that she had loved and some clothes that she had bought to go with her unusual and precious jewelry pieces. The rest of the stuff seemed stale, and not part of her any longer. She felt a sense of peace and comfort at finding these things that she had forgotten about.


Donna gets to select from her past and make new relationships out of them
Donna's dream gave her the opportunity to go back into her childhood and retrieve things that were important and meaningful, like the pizza and candy she had never been allowed to eat. Now she could give herself permission to eat it without worrying about being judged and ridiculed about her weight. Now she could dress as she pleased rather than please her mother. Now she didn't have to put her choices and desires on hold.

The wounds of the past are fashioned into fresh connections of equality
Just as she went back to her childhood room in her dream, the message to Donna was to do so in real life before the family home was sold. Donna was being encouraged to go back, take the memories she wanted, bury the ones she no longer needed to hold onto, and create new ones over the holidays. She was being shown that she had a choice in how to remember her past by digging through the box of painful childhood and adolescence and closing the wounds that still had the power to sting.

Fear of loss is transformed into more meaningful family life
Donna used her dream to great advantage. She took the lead and invited each family member to do something with her that was unique and special. That old ways were being buried in the box of the past. Donna was going to create new connections, having the courage and entitlement to eat what she wanted, wear what she liked and be what she felt was true to herself. She also returned to her old room and collected things that she wanted to keep including family photographs and her art work that she was now ready to reacquaint herself with again.

Donna was energized by the message of her dream. Instead of feeling sad about the loss of the family house, she let it go with her bad and sad memories. She decided to build new memories with her parents as they transitioned to their new home. Donna realized she could establish new and more equal connections with her folks as she was no longer bound and trapped by the rigid roles of the past that the house represented.

Donna's dream sets her free and in charge of her emotional life
In 2010 Donna emerged with new convictions about her right and freedom to have the type of relationships she wanted to have with her family. She makes the suggestions about where they will meet and what activities they will share. She wears the bits of the past that are meaningful and creates new webs of interaction that make her feel good about herself. She remains surprised as to how readily her family have responded to her taking charge!

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship security profile.

Do Your Actions Come Back To Bite You?

Self-Confidence or Power Trip?
Lucas was clear about his criteria for success - managing everything by himself. Asking for help was a failure and a sign of weakness. He was determined never to let other people have power over him by needing their help or advice. That meant becoming a machine that could tackle anything without feelings getting in the way. He wanted to prove he wasn't scared of anything or anyone.

Revenge Gives Lucas a Sense of Power
He fantasized about sticking it to his old school mates who made fun of his efforts to shoot during their hunting trips. Lucas had been afraid of guns and didn't want to show that he didn't approve of killing animals for sport. Now he felt like he could "kill" anything! He woke up most mornings telling the world to "bring it on!"

The Dream Brings Lucas Back to Earth
A dream woke Lucas one morning that shattered his sense of confidence. He dreamed that he was out skeet shooting. There were lots of other people around watching. People from his past life, family, friends, and school mates. He shot at a can, the gun sprang back and hurt him in the face. It turned back and bit him!!

Bravado Backfires and Turns to Self-destruction
Lucas's dream was a wake up call that he had gone too far in his efforts to feel in control and powerful. Lucas wanted to show off in front of all the people in his life - all those who had mocked his fear of guns, who had ribbed him unmercifully. The dream showed Lucas that he had become just like them, interested in the kill to display his prowess. He was using his power to feel superior and denegrate others rather than to make his life meaningful and satisfying.

Sabotaging Power or Care Taking Power?
Lucas got a visceral punch when the gun spring backfired and hit him in the face - the one part of him that interacts with the world. He was given the message that his determination to go it alone, pretend he could manage without the normal give and take in relationships was not in his best interests. Lucas was in fact sabotaging himself. He was hurting himself by ignoring his need for compassion, collaboration, team work, love and understanding. His dream showed him just how destructive a path he had chosen. He was in grave danger of killing off all the good healthy parts of himself just to satisfy his ego.

Using The Dream Message Profitably
Lucas worked with me on this dream. We discovered that he didn't know the difference between power to hurt and power to stick up for yourself. He began to develop and appreciate the power of his personality, his compassion, his loyalty, his sense of right and wrong. Lucas didn't need to fight with other people to prove his manliness or to warn people not to mess with him. Lucas realized that not everyone in the world was out to screw him, and that he had ample capacity to protect himself using his sense of worth and the right to be treated respectfully.

Lucas was lucky to have the dream and work out what it meant in his work with me. Lucas is now able to consider his choice of action when he feels mocked or made fun of. He asks himself whether his response is an act of bravado likely to recoil back on himself, just like the spring of the gun in his dream, or whether it is an act of self-respect and growth.

Stay tuned for more about Lucas and his personal growth through his dreams

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph. D.